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Політ (і не тільки) гумор


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Приходит Крупская к Ленину, а тот сидит из кусочков сала что-то строит.

- Володя, ты что это делаешь?! -
- Да вот, Надюша, Украину придумываю. -
- Так, а чё ж ты сало взял?! Говна возьми и побольше! -
- Да пробовал я из говна - Россия получается -
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Friends, please be careful...

 

Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

 

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

 

Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

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A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

“I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation”!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself.”

“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And what about the third rose?” she asked.

“That’s from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears

 

I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he’s so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

 

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

 

He says, “OK, Get in the car with it.

 

"The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

 

He says, “Put it between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

 

“But what about the smell?” said the wife.

 

“Just hold its little nose”.

 

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene..

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Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings. One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver.

 

All three go with a public works official to examine the fence.

 

The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil ."Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

 

The Winnipeg contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.

 

That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

 

The Montreal contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$27,000."

 

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”

 

"The Montreal contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Winnipeg to repair the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the government official.

 

And that, my friends, is how Justin Trudeau's Liberal Government contracts work for SNC Lavalin...

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It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

 

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

 

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

 

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

 

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

 

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

 

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

 

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

 

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

 

"Now, tell him you have a headache."

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то мабуть пари, де жінки не працюють ) а бігають по салонах краси, а чоловіки все те оплачують важкою працею  :weep:  :lol2:


Reload Page to see tweet..Link..

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Нова версія старого анека:

 

Вот смотри Петька. Украинцам отменяют визы и россиянам отменяют визы, но есть нюанс.

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